Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Don't read this

Living each day confused,  scared, lost and alone. There is only so much i I can do to give anything any meaning.

I wake up in the middle of the night every night. Screaming so someone would hear me. Maybe tell me I'm not a complete failure.

It's really tiring seeing the way people look at me,  when i tell them I am by myself. Eyes filed with pity do not make this better.

I'm not crazy, I have just gone through so much. I told you,  before you came into my life, I'm trying to learn how to trust people and maybe be happy.

I see what I've become, I know I've pushed everyone away. I just do not have it in me to let people get close,  maybe play the "getting to know someone" game and have that person leave.

You hold the key to everything in my life. I try everyday to not let you get to me, but I can't. I focus on the bad,  and still i can't help but feel this love for you.

I raised myself to where, i would always thank people and let them know when they are good. I just wished i had someone tell me that.

All i hear from you is insults and how i meant nothing and mean less than nothing right now.

I am tired trying to talk it out and explain myself. I work really hard and I'm doing a lot in life, i busted my ass for you and have put a lot on the line for you.

I do feel a lot of pain and anger towards you. I do sincerely wish for you to feel pain or be punished for this.

But karma doesn't exist. You took away the only two people i could talk to. I guess it's for the best. I don't want to chase after people. Clearly no one cares.

I see grown people do things I would never do. People twice my age acting less mature than me. I'm so tired of this.

I hate being smarter and more responsible, nicer and mature than people.

All i ever wanted was to be a family. Have kids and find that one girl who I'd be proud to call my wife.

This year will be my 5th year back here. My 4th birthday alone. Heh (awkward laugh). All i wanted the last two years and this year is for you to come back here and tell me in not the worst person alive, that my life isn't a waste and maybe you're proud of me. And you love me.

But that's not realistic, I'm just a fool dreaming.

I'm not weak,  i wish i was. I really do. But I'm tired and just need a hug.

Please come back.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Why bother

I have wished death would come; so I wouldn't have to watch you with him while I'm standing right here.

I see now, it's not my fault you make bad decisions. It's not my fault you have mood swings. You blamed me for your life and I took it. I believed it. The amount of self abuse I caused myself for you is crazy.

I have said this countless times, on paper "us" does not make sense. You say, you invested a lot into "us", but the truth is,  you made moves which people could see, but really had no feelings or anything.

All the love I had for you has transformed into hate.

We are from two different worlds. Yours is filled with people and rainbows.  Mine is simply myself and what makes me happy. Priorities and perspective make it seem like ones better than the other; but who are we to judge?

We have let society judge us. Dictate what is right and wrong, good and bad, classy and rachet. I suppose you have won.

I know the path I'm on its the hardest and fruitless for a major part of it, nothing in life worth fighting for is easy. You are already a memory, I can't wait to forget; a decision I regret. The bane to my existence.

I have said it before, I'll say it again,  I want to see you die for your sins. I do not wish this pain on to anyone. So the world must get rid of the cancer which is you.

You have not once, but many times tormented me, and taken advantage of me.

I hope he was worth it. I know now u can find her and she will be the luckiest person ever. No one in this world will ever look at you the way i do, or feel this way.

Friday, April 25, 2014

I Do Not Like Zombies

"Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
"
All of Me - John Legend

You are perfect. It is unfortunate people do not agree, nor do you. I can go on for hours on your beauty. "I wish you were ugly," I remember telling you this, and I still stand by it. Your physical beauty is your biggest curse.

Society has transformed your brilliant mind into a zombie. A zombie, who forgot who she is. Pain has always been the biggest motivation for human beings. It can drive a person into one of two paths.

First we have the emo, masochist and anti social person. This person simply gives up on everything due to so much pain and anguish. Thinking about life only ends up to pain in their mind. traumatized by unfortunate events in life, leaving them a crippled mess. Trying so very hard to just, feel. Feelings are something of the past. Joy has no flavor, felicity does not exist. The thought of happiness disgusts, and torments.

Finally we have the opposite, the person who keeps trying to change, to fit in, and do anything to feel as if they do not have to run away from the pain. The facade is nothing but merely a drug to deal with pain. You can lie yourself to a point, where you believe it all. This is how pathological liars are made. The number of people like this is increasing day by day.

Does that mean most of the people in the world are now turning into zombies, pathological liars and drug addicts?

I just wish, there was a way I could get you out. All I want, is for you to be here with me, and see the light.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Algebra?

"When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
"
Leave Out All The rest - Linkin Park
 
I have been in and seen many relationships, but one thing I can not fathom to this day is, people who you care about, who do not feel the same way. Not necessarily see you as the apple of their eye, like you do. But simply as a person they need.

Now, we can all be "liberal" and say, "it's their life, their decision," "not everything you want will come true." Knowing what you like and want is not a bad thing.

If you stopped talking and simply walked away from this person, will it change their life? Will they chase you? Or have you influenced, taught, empowered and given them the resources to become self sufficient to the point, where they take you and your teachings for granted and move on. You never existed. Not even a memory. All your hard work, time, energy and love you had put in, gone. Zero meaning, zero result, no credit. No one will ever know.

The road to felicity is a long and hard one. To find it for certain, you might want to walk away from your life and find what truly is there for you.

When Bruce Wayne went away from Gotham, he had found himself and realized what really mattered. People who think of you or care about you, when you are not in front of them. Remember, as humans with compassion and emotions, we are designed to care about anything we may find negative or feel bad for in front of us. Those people you know who are always talking about some less fortunate person in Africa, they are simply watching the news or reading too much into it. What if they did not, would they still feel bad?

Discovering if you are just another number in someone's life or the real deal is what life's true journey is. Finding our self is a by product. We all have dreams, and skills we possess. It is the variables in life we need to figure out, not the constants.

Numbers are constants, we all know 1 = 1 and 2 = 2. But what is x? y? z? a? b? c?

Monday, February 03, 2014

Blue Green or Green Blue?

"You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that's right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin' enterprise
Now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russel, though not his muscles but the percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y'all can see me now 'cause you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner
So I'mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head
"
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz

The biggest fear humans have is, not being accepted for who we are. The difference between people is that, some can turn this into a motivation tool to change their life, some fear it and fake their life, and some who are so goal orientated they will do anything to achieve it.

First look at the person who uses fear as a motivation to change. At a young age if you are conditioned by your surroundings to act or behave a specific way, you will follow through with it in your journey into adulthood. This person will always "learn from others mistakes" to make it through. In many countries we are taught in elementary school about other countries and people, and how our "bubble" is not the whole universe. Subtlety we try to trigger kids to achieve, and not end up like the less fortunate. Not becoming another number is important, but if everyone does it, how are you different?

Next, let's take a look at the people who fake it. Imagine being so scared of something, it torments your whole world. Every waking and even sleeping moment, you are living in constant fear. This can be due to any trauma caused as kid, pain witnessed growing up or just deep seeded issues, suppressed and buried inside. Running from pain becomes life, and life becomes tiring and fruitless, just a dull routine, over and over again.

Finally, we have the goal seekers. These individuals set goals, and do not stop till it is achieved. This usually includes and is not limited to breaking rules, morals, ethics, hearts, feelings, cheating, and worst of all, drives them to insanity. Every time a goal is achieved, the void of no felicity in the endeavor leaves them broken. The only way out of it, is to peruse something else, and get obsessed over that, hoping it will fill that void.

In all three personalities, fear controls us. It is what motivates us, it takes us on the same path, which is change, and finally it creates a mirage of who you once were or could have been.

Perception and presentation is what is different. All that we are, were or will be is how we are seen in the eyes of our fellow humans.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Think I Saw a UFO

"I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
What if that one person who makes your day does not feel the same way?
"
I'm Just a Kid - Simple Plan

Look at the person who you look to see everyday after a long day, or speak to after great things happen. Do they feel or do the same? Always?

That's just a horrible idea. Ever think of it? 

We all have hobbies, activities, objects or people that make us want to do better and make something of ourselves and above all give meaning to our existence.

Are you this petty? Are you not worth anything without them? You are not another card in their lives. You are awesome in your own way. They should be honored to have you in their life, not cheating or ruining their life.

You just need to find your awesomeness and harness your powers.

So do not let your happiness depend on a variable. Humans are variables. They come and go always. We all do die.

Death is not the issue, that is worst part of it all. I have said it many times before, "I have rather you die, than watch you replace me and call me a mistake."

Over the course of the last few years I have come to realize, "family is paramount." The saying is not to find your dream guy or girl but your parents and children.

As a person who had never felt that, I can safely tell you. Relationships and marriages end. Loved ones move on and leave. Your parents and children do not.

We can ignore humans and focus on the constants. Build a new you, that you love, but you always have those moments you want to feel human. Feel loved or appreciated. We are what we leave behind, or legacy and what people remember.

So why this catch 22? Life is a paradox, simple enough? It's all about perspective. Let's be half full and not be half empty. You need to be the glue not the dust.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Future Has Come

"Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
"
-The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

We only get so many firsts in life, what if we wasted it all with the wrong people? Take a moment and look back at your life, all the firsts you had, what would you do to change it to the right person?

Just like we are using all of Earth's fossil fuels, such as gas and oil, we are wasting our "firsts". You will never get that first kiss, first relationship, the first time you had sex back. Society has conditioned us to be outcasts if some milestones have been achieved at specific moments in your life. This kind of peer pressure affects millions of people around the world, and must end. Purity and innocence is almost extinct.

I have come to terms with it, or at least stage 1. It's harsh, for me at least. I have always wanted to believe in that world we heard of as kids, but it seems it does not, actually can not exist.

Do not live in fear! I will repeat, DO NOT LIVE IN FEAR! You can only move forward! If you are not moving forward, you are standing still. Humans HATE waiting. So why are you!

"Humans have two major fears, feeling incompetent. That is we are not good enough. Second, feeling that if we do not achieve these goals, we will not be accepted or loved."
- Jordan Belfort

Jordan Belfort used an amazing analogy in one of his seminars. He said, since we were babies, we have been conditioned to seek attention and feel loved, and once it faded away, aka, we were not the cutest thing ever, we tried other approaches. Some babies break things, others lash out, poop and pee for no reason in places we shouldn't, achieve the "never done before", such as walking. Bottom line is, we either achieve, throw a tantrum,  harm ourselves and others around us just to feel important to our loved ones. The decision is yours, what will you do to stand out? Be angry, the problem or excel in life and make everyone proud.

Life is not about these milestones, or about other people. It is simply about you, yourself and what makes you happy.

"Every decision you make is who you are! At the time you made the decision, it was the best decision according to your judgement. Do not regret it, feel guilty or dwell on the past."
- Farhad Ahmed

We all hurt, and we all have problems. Think of the pain as a push to move forward, and the problems are challenges in a game, you have to beat!

"The world is your oyster"
(Why, then, the world's mine oyster, Which I with sword will open) [The original]
- William Shakespeare

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Why I am Trying?

"He doesn't need his name up in lights
He just wants to be heard whether it's the beat or the mic
And he feels so unlike everybody else-alone
In spite of the fact that some people still think that they know him"

-Remember the Name - Fort Minor

This post is a bit more personal, than most. I usually like to bring up topics I think of, just to see if others have that one little bit of doubt, that might lead to a discussion of the unsaid or not thought of. I will say, I have learned some things over the years, and some theories may have been proven wrong recently, but what is it but just a learning curve. Trial and error is how everything is discovered, manufactured and evolved.

I have been told I write quite vague and some readers think I am writing about them, or something they feel close to. That is my whole point. Do not over think it. I write in a way where you can feel like you are the person in the situation. I write for you, not for myself. My work is for you, the readers to have a chance to think about the unspoken.

"The upward spiral is filled with loneliness, not because you are a bad person, but because you can build yourself. The ability to endure failure and pain alone, is a gift you are given, not a curse."
- Farhad Ahmed

Being alone means more time and more opportunity for you to close all deals in life. More time to grow, and excel what goals you had set.

Only you can make the decision to move forward. If your goals are not clear to you, your life will not be anything but a waste of time.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Wait so what was it?

"I'll never take part in the growing population
Or waste my time with further education
Forget what we know, it's just a big show
What they want to control
So jaded frustrated, it's all so complicated
Fashion no passion surrounds me"
- Thanks for Nothing - Sum 41


According to many rational, logical and practical people, many theories have been a certain way, which I can not accept nor agree to. It has come to my attention, I have a complex which does not allow me to crossover to greatness due to the simple fact I do not want to be better than others. Knowing me, it seems the complex is very off. Nonetheless facts have been presented and I can not fight it.

What am I speaking of? Let's review together.

There is a fine line between greatness and madness. People tend to go for greatness, but fail and go into madness, making all their efforts in vain. I have done this in every part of my life, but rather than failing, I do it subconsciously. Why would a man do this to himself? Well, let's take a deeper look into the complex I have.

Jonah complex. The fear of success. Named after Jonah, a prophet in the Old Testament (Yunus in the Quran). He was given the task by God, to change the whole world at that time, instead he flaked and fled.

The major part of this complex is not wanting to be the one who is better than others because of fear of seeming arrogant and self centered, and above all fear of not being accepted by others for being great.

There is a very thin line between brilliance and insanity. To be brilliant people need to understand you. If they can not fathom your ideas,  you are insane. This is another issue I have.

This complex has a major side effect. After you do something for a while it is considered the norm. You will not be looked at as a winner, just a failure. I know I am not, so its time to change.

I do not think anyone will ever understand, how this kind of social enigmatic complex affects the individual or others around them. It can cause stress, intimacy issues, lack of flow, and in my case Diogenes Syndrome.

Holding on to the past is a big part of Diogenes Syndrome. I do this not cause I am pathetic,  but because I believe everything we do is special and for a reason.  This does how ever lead to a lot of stress and not to mention torment.  Never forgetting something is not healthy.

"Treat people the way you want to be treated." That saying has hurt me too much for too long. It's time for me to let go of it. No one cares or remembers what I have done, I am not even a figment of their past, or some enigma they will think about, wondering why I did it. Washed away like ice caps, with no remains.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Just not for you

"Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Ready? Let's roll
Onto something new"
- Somebody - The Killers

Hey you, yes you, I am writing this to let you know, you are dating the wrong person. I am not asking to date me, but I want you to know, that this guy, does not care about you, or your amazing mind, personality or characteristics, all he sees is a hot piece of ass. If you can find me where he last pointed out something amazing about you, spoke to you at an intellectual level, or even took you somewhere that interested you, I will not say anymore.

All I wanted was a shot, but you shut me down, because you have been conditioned to be this shallow, dull, brain dead bimbo. I get you are hot, trust me, that is a huge bonus for a guy like me. I would like you without that body, but I doubt your amazing man would not. You still afraid to go to sleep without make up? Waterproof make up for the days you go to the beach or pool parties?

I showed you how you could be amazing without trying hard. I would love to sit here and be the man who is always here, but you and your bi polar complex is killing me. It is unfortunate, you will never realize what I am trying to say. I know you probably will not read this, and if you do, you will not realize it is for you. But, but, but, if you give me one shot I want to show you what I mean.

I can be old fashioned, an ass, but I am there without a moments hesitation when you need me. I would love to hear, where he is. Yeah, society says, I may be in the friend zone, but that is a big joke, if you are half as smart as I think you are, then that should not be the case.

I am not mad, just angry. You will never know the truth, and move on with your life, and be happy, while these thoughts will haunt me forever. I will not tell you, because with everyday that passes, even though my feelings grow, so does my doubt.