Saturday, June 03, 2017

Road to Heaven

The path we walk on is not always the easiest, but what is necessary for us to achieve our goals. 
The road to felicity is a long and hard one. Obstacles that obstruct and prevent you from your destiny, are a thing you must learn to overcome. 
We live in a world filled with happiness but no felicity. 
Our lives are hollow. So hollow, we must jump from goal to goal. Is anything really satisfying you? 

"You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world."
- Fight Club

We all feel this insecurity of not being worthy enough. The difference is simply how you try to overcome it. We all will fall one day. No matter how big of a giant you are, in the end we all fall. 
Death will not care about your assets, nor accomplishments, so does this mean he will not care about your failures? 

If you can't make an impact and leave a legacy behind, your whole existence was a failure. 

Failure in life is not necessarily the worst thing that could happen to one. Remember, it's not the destination or path taken, but journey taken. The memories, lessons and decisions that lead to ones growth that is the true experience of life. 

Friday, October 21, 2016

Two Player Game

"Yah, you never said a word
You didn't send me no letter
Don't think I could forgive you

See our world is slowly dying
I'm not wasting no more time
Don't think I could believe you"

- Prayer In C - Robin Schulz 

Video game consoles sold almost always come with one controller, and many times with one game bundled with it. Many just go on accepting that this is all they will have, along with maybe one or two game purchases. 

I grew up knowing, when you purchase a console, first thing you do is buy a second controller for your friend who will play with you, along with a couple of more games. 

Playing with a friend has always been more entertaining. Even though, it is possible to just play with randoms on the Internet and play in a dark room by yourself at night. Having a partner next to you is more fun. 

Think of the new expansions, new maps, new missions, new roster update, new mode, all of these are more fun with someone to share your experience with, rather than playing all alone. 

Remember those moments, people were so hyped up over a game you didn't care for? But when it launched and all your friends played it, you tried it, and did enjoy it and maybe played it more than your friends. 

Remember those times, you resented a genre of game and said you never wanted to play it, but your friend told you, "it takes time for it to grow on you, after you play a lot of these games, the only game that will satisfy you is this one."

Remember not understanding why people are so excited over something you said no to. 

Thats just how life is. 

You think you don't need a partner in life.
You think you don't want to get married.
You think you don't want kids. 

But the fact of the matter is, you are just growing up, you will learn to appreciate and love what is in store in your future. 

You may think, "I will be about my work, my freedom, my life." That's all good, but what is your life at that point? Are you defined as your job?

Many are currently defined as their job. If the job ends tomorrow, they end. They have no legacy, no future. 

Life was suppose to be about the lives we touch. The lives we changed, the lives we make better. 

When we die, all that we leave in this world is our family. Family, as in our kids and grand kids. 

If you don't want to get married and have kids, that's fine. But think for a minute and realize what are you doing then? 

I've heard people saying, "living life." I must say, that's a very sad way to live your life. You will end up like some 40+ year old single person with no serious relationship or kids. While all your friends changed their minds and moved on. Regret will consume you. You will build a wall to keep all the pain out. You will forget what it's like and how it feels. 

Knowing all the facts, while unable to act or prevent the disaster, while watching the world burn is a curse. A curse, I am forsaken to. 

In life, we find opportunities, and must seize them right away, for tomorrow may not have such a gift waiting. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Punch Away

"It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again"
-See You Again -Wiz Khalifa

It's been a long time,  since I have felt safe. Life just does not get easier. With each human interaction, with each passing moment, life just feels less important and fake. Watching people lie and cheat their way through life. Hate and disgust fills me up like an oil spill in the Gulf.

I watched everything I want slip away because other people want to do their own thing instead of work together. I have been told, "do not stress over the uncontrollable," I must admit I struggle with this. Actions and decisions other make affect me, and my goals.

I once knew this guy who unintentionally  (allegedly) would always end up destroying my goals, he was a good man (I want to believe), but did not know who he wanted to be or what he wanted. I hold no grudge, or bad blood, but I do wish I got what I wanted, when I wanted.

I have some abilities, one of which is the ability to truly understand what I want. I am picky, only because I am willingly to work for what I want. I learned at a young age, nothing is free, you always have to work for anything you want in life. So, everyday I wake up and work hard. Do I have days I want to quit? Maybe, but that's not a thought that crosses my mind for more than a minute. I treat each day as a blessing, a day I can spend the way I want it, cause I work that hard everyday. Alas, all is lost, and in vain. I wanted you, and that is all, just to spend my life with that one person who makes me happy and gives me meaning. Unfortunately, I am yet to meet you. I'll keep working hard, till I find you,  and then we can live that life together.

Second ability I have, is to completely be a punching bag. When I was young I felt alone, and wished for someone to understand me,  to care and maybe, just maybe love me. So growing up,  I heard, "treat people the way you want to be treated." Thus I learned more about empathy.

I have zero empathy for people who blame others and play victim. I do not, can not and will not try to empathize with people who refuse to help themselves. I suppose this is a major reason people think I lack enpathy.

I however will always be there for people in need. It doesn't matter if it's a conn, or if they are too proud to admit it. I am here for people who need it.

If you have a problem, I will be there any timeof the day or night.  I will sit and listen, and be whatever you need. I'll be your punching bag. But do not for one second think I am a push over. Just because, I forgive what you do in your moments of weakness, does not mean I am weak.

I have forgiven many people who have done me wrong, I am always there for people,  even those who have done me wrong.

I am not the "smartest" person, but God help me if, I am not doing what is the moral and ethical thing to do, without my values, I am nothing. 

Well that is me, but apparently none of those are attractive qualities and I will be alone forever. Honestly, I don't think I mind that.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Don't you dare speak

Felicity can only be achieve when the stars align. The biggest problem we face with this, is simply the fact it is not in our control.

I usually do feel stress and loneliness, but I can handle it. Very rarely will I feel overwhelmed, and like I'm about to have a panic or anxiety attack. 

Unfortunately, according to social protocol, I can't say I'm having one. So I guess I'll sit in my car and cry and hope you read this. 

I can't work this hard at everything and get nothing in return and be treated this way. 

I put myself in the line for the team always but get nothing in return, or even get a simple mention. 

Im not even a memory. I'm just lost in the abyss. I feel like giving up at times, but then I'm a failure. Actually who am I kidding, would people even notice.

So this me having a breakdown. If anyone cared. I would to cry and talk and maybe get a hug. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Don't read this

Living each day confused,  scared, lost and alone. There is only so much I can do to give anything any meaning.
I wake up in the middle of the night every night. Screaming so someone would hear me. Maybe tell me I'm not a complete failure.
It's really tiring seeing the way people look at me,  when I tell them I am by myself. Eyes filed with pity do not make this better.
I'm not crazy, I have just gone through so much. I told you,  before you came into my life, I'm trying to learn how to trust people and maybe be happy.
I see what I've become, I know I've pushed everyone away. I just do not have it in me to let people get close,  maybe play the "getting to know someone" game and have that person leave.
You hold the key to everything in my life. I try everyday to not let you get to me, but I can't. I focus on the bad,  and still I can't help but feel this love for you.
I raised myself to where, I would always thank people and let them know when they are good. I just wished I had someone tell me that.
All I hear from you is insults and how I meant nothing and mean less than nothing right now.
I am tired trying to talk it out and explain myself. I work really hard and I'm doing a lot in life, I busted my ass for you and have put a lot on the line for you.
I do feel a lot of pain and anger towards you. I do sincerely wish for you to feel pain or be punished for this.
But karma doesn't exist. You took away the only two people i could talk to. I guess it's for the best. I don't want to chase after people. Clearly no one cares.
I see grown people do things I would never do. People twice my age acting less mature than me. I'm so tired of this.
I hate being smarter and more responsible, nicer and mature than people.
All I ever wanted was to be a family. Have kids and find that one girl who I'd be proud to call my wife.
This year will be my 5th year back here. My 4th birthday alone. Heh (awkward laugh). All I wanted the last two years and this year is for you to come back here and tell me in not the worst person alive, that my life isn't a waste and maybe you're proud of me. And you love me.
But that's not realistic, I'm just a fool dreaming.
I'm not weak,  I wish I was. I really do. But I'm tired and just need a hug.
Please come back.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Why bother

I have wished death would come; so I wouldn't have to watch you with him while I'm standing right here.

I see now, it's not my fault you make bad decisions. It's not my fault you have mood swings. You blamed me for your life and I took it. I believed it. The amount of self abuse I caused myself for you is crazy.

I have said this countless times, on paper "us" does not make sense. You say, you invested a lot into "us", but the truth is,  you made moves which people could see, but really had no feelings or anything.

All the love I had for you has transformed into hate.

We are from two different worlds. Yours is filled with people and rainbows.  Mine is simply myself and what makes me happy. Priorities and perspective make it seem like ones better than the other; but who are we to judge?

We have let society judge us. Dictate what is right and wrong, good and bad, classy and rachet. I suppose you have won.

I know the path I'm on its the hardest and fruitless for a major part of it, nothing in life worth fighting for is easy. You are already a memory, I can't wait to forget; a decision I regret. The bane to my existence.

I have said it before, I'll say it again,  I want to see you die for your sins. I do not wish this pain on to anyone. So the world must get rid of the cancer which is you.

You have not once, but many times tormented me, and taken advantage of me.

I hope he was worth it. I know now u can find her and she will be the luckiest person ever. No one in this world will ever look at you the way i do, or feel this way.

Friday, April 25, 2014

I Do Not Like Zombies

"Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
All of Me - John Legend

You are perfect. It is unfortunate people do not agree, nor do you. I can go on for hours on your beauty. "I wish you were ugly," I remember telling you this, and I still stand by it. Your physical beauty is your biggest curse.

Society has transformed your brilliant mind into a zombie. A zombie, who forgot who she is. Pain has always been the biggest motivation for human beings. It can drive a person into one of two paths.

First we have the emo, masochist and anti social person. This person simply gives up on everything due to so much pain and anguish. Thinking about life only ends up to pain in their mind. traumatized by unfortunate events in life, leaving them a crippled mess. Trying so very hard to just, feel. Feelings are something of the past. Joy has no flavor, felicity does not exist. The thought of happiness disgusts, and torments.

Finally we have the opposite, the person who keeps trying to change, to fit in, and do anything to feel as if they do not have to run away from the pain. The facade is nothing but merely a drug to deal with pain. You can lie yourself to a point, where you believe it all. This is how pathological liars are made. The number of people like this is increasing day by day.

Does that mean most of the people in the world are now turning into zombies, pathological liars and drug addicts?

I just wish, there was a way I could get you out. All I want, is for you to be here with me, and see the light.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014


"When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave Out All The rest - Linkin Park
I have been in and seen many relationships, but one thing I can not fathom to this day is, people who you care about, who do not feel the same way. Not necessarily see you as the apple of their eye, like you do. But simply as a person they need.

Now, we can all be "liberal" and say, "it's their life, their decision," "not everything you want will come true." Knowing what you like and want is not a bad thing.

If you stopped talking and simply walked away from this person, will it change their life? Will they chase you? Or have you influenced, taught, empowered and given them the resources to become self sufficient to the point, where they take you and your teachings for granted and move on. You never existed. Not even a memory. All your hard work, time, energy and love you had put in, gone. Zero meaning, zero result, no credit. No one will ever know.

The road to felicity is a long and hard one. To find it for certain, you might want to walk away from your life and find what truly is there for you.

When Bruce Wayne went away from Gotham, he had found himself and realized what really mattered. People who think of you or care about you, when you are not in front of them. Remember, as humans with compassion and emotions, we are designed to care about anything we may find negative or feel bad for in front of us. Those people you know who are always talking about some less fortunate person in Africa, they are simply watching the news or reading too much into it. What if they did not, would they still feel bad?

Discovering if you are just another number in someone's life or the real deal is what life's true journey is. Finding our self is a by product. We all have dreams, and skills we possess. It is the variables in life we need to figure out, not the constants.

Numbers are constants, we all know 1 = 1 and 2 = 2. But what is x? y? z? a? b? c?

Monday, February 03, 2014

Blue Green or Green Blue?

"You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that's right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin' enterprise
Now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russel, though not his muscles but the percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y'all can see me now 'cause you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner
So I'mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz

The biggest fear humans have is, not being accepted for who we are. The difference between people is that, some can turn this into a motivation tool to change their life, some fear it and fake their life, and some who are so goal orientated they will do anything to achieve it.

First look at the person who uses fear as a motivation to change. At a young age if you are conditioned by your surroundings to act or behave a specific way, you will follow through with it in your journey into adulthood. This person will always "learn from others mistakes" to make it through. In many countries we are taught in elementary school about other countries and people, and how our "bubble" is not the whole universe. Subtlety we try to trigger kids to achieve, and not end up like the less fortunate. Not becoming another number is important, but if everyone does it, how are you different?

Next, let's take a look at the people who fake it. Imagine being so scared of something, it torments your whole world. Every waking and even sleeping moment, you are living in constant fear. This can be due to any trauma caused as kid, pain witnessed growing up or just deep seeded issues, suppressed and buried inside. Running from pain becomes life, and life becomes tiring and fruitless, just a dull routine, over and over again.

Finally, we have the goal seekers. These individuals set goals, and do not stop till it is achieved. This usually includes and is not limited to breaking rules, morals, ethics, hearts, feelings, cheating, and worst of all, drives them to insanity. Every time a goal is achieved, the void of no felicity in the endeavor leaves them broken. The only way out of it, is to peruse something else, and get obsessed over that, hoping it will fill that void.

In all three personalities, fear controls us. It is what motivates us, it takes us on the same path, which is change, and finally it creates a mirage of who you once were or could have been.

Perception and presentation is what is different. All that we are, were or will be is how we are seen in the eyes of our fellow humans.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Think I Saw a UFO

"I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
What if that one person who makes your day does not feel the same way?
I'm Just a Kid - Simple Plan

Look at the person who you look to see everyday after a long day, or speak to after great things happen. Do they feel or do the same? Always?

That's just a horrible idea. Ever think of it? 

We all have hobbies, activities, objects or people that make us want to do better and make something of ourselves and above all give meaning to our existence.

Are you this petty? Are you not worth anything without them? You are not another card in their lives. You are awesome in your own way. They should be honored to have you in their life, not cheating or ruining their life.

You just need to find your awesomeness and harness your powers.

So do not let your happiness depend on a variable. Humans are variables. They come and go always. We all do die.

Death is not the issue, that is worst part of it all. I have said it many times before, "I have rather you die, than watch you replace me and call me a mistake."

Over the course of the last few years I have come to realize, "family is paramount." The saying is not to find your dream guy or girl but your parents and children.

As a person who had never felt that, I can safely tell you. Relationships and marriages end. Loved ones move on and leave. Your parents and children do not.

We can ignore humans and focus on the constants. Build a new you, that you love, but you always have those moments you want to feel human. Feel loved or appreciated. We are what we leave behind, or legacy and what people remember.

So why this catch 22? Life is a paradox, simple enough? It's all about perspective. Let's be half full and not be half empty. You need to be the glue not the dust.