- Fight Club
Saturday, June 03, 2017
- Fight Club
Friday, October 21, 2016
"Yah, you never said a word
You didn't send me no letter
Don't think I could forgive you
See our world is slowly dying
I'm not wasting no more time
Don't think I could believe you"
- Prayer In C - Robin Schulz
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
"It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again"
-See You Again -Wiz Khalifa
It's been a long time, since I have felt safe. Life just does not get easier. With each human interaction, with each passing moment, life just feels less important and fake. Watching people lie and cheat their way through life. Hate and disgust fills me up like an oil spill in the Gulf.
I watched everything I want slip away because other people want to do their own thing instead of work together. I have been told, "do not stress over the uncontrollable," I must admit I struggle with this. Actions and decisions other make affect me, and my goals.
I once knew this guy who unintentionally (allegedly) would always end up destroying my goals, he was a good man (I want to believe), but did not know who he wanted to be or what he wanted. I hold no grudge, or bad blood, but I do wish I got what I wanted, when I wanted.
I have some abilities, one of which is the ability to truly understand what I want. I am picky, only because I am willingly to work for what I want. I learned at a young age, nothing is free, you always have to work for anything you want in life. So, everyday I wake up and work hard. Do I have days I want to quit? Maybe, but that's not a thought that crosses my mind for more than a minute. I treat each day as a blessing, a day I can spend the way I want it, cause I work that hard everyday. Alas, all is lost, and in vain. I wanted you, and that is all, just to spend my life with that one person who makes me happy and gives me meaning. Unfortunately, I am yet to meet you. I'll keep working hard, till I find you, and then we can live that life together.
Second ability I have, is to completely be a punching bag. When I was young I felt alone, and wished for someone to understand me, to care and maybe, just maybe love me. So growing up, I heard, "treat people the way you want to be treated." Thus I learned more about empathy.
I have zero empathy for people who blame others and play victim. I do not, can not and will not try to empathize with people who refuse to help themselves. I suppose this is a major reason people think I lack enpathy.
I however will always be there for people in need. It doesn't matter if it's a conn, or if they are too proud to admit it. I am here for people who need it.
If you have a problem, I will be there any timeof the day or night. I will sit and listen, and be whatever you need. I'll be your punching bag. But do not for one second think I am a push over. Just because, I forgive what you do in your moments of weakness, does not mean I am weak.
I have forgiven many people who have done me wrong, I am always there for people, even those who have done me wrong.
I am not the "smartest" person, but God help me if, I am not doing what is the moral and ethical thing to do, without my values, I am nothing.
Well that is me, but apparently none of those are attractive qualities and I will be alone forever. Honestly, I don't think I mind that.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
I have wished death would come; so I wouldn't have to watch you with him while I'm standing right here.
I see now, it's not my fault you make bad decisions. It's not my fault you have mood swings. You blamed me for your life and I took it. I believed it. The amount of self abuse I caused myself for you is crazy.
I have said this countless times, on paper "us" does not make sense. You say, you invested a lot into "us", but the truth is, you made moves which people could see, but really had no feelings or anything.
All the love I had for you has transformed into hate.
We are from two different worlds. Yours is filled with people and rainbows. Mine is simply myself and what makes me happy. Priorities and perspective make it seem like ones better than the other; but who are we to judge?
We have let society judge us. Dictate what is right and wrong, good and bad, classy and rachet. I suppose you have won.
I know the path I'm on its the hardest and fruitless for a major part of it, nothing in life worth fighting for is easy. You are already a memory, I can't wait to forget; a decision I regret. The bane to my existence.
I have said it before, I'll say it again, I want to see you die for your sins. I do not wish this pain on to anyone. So the world must get rid of the cancer which is you.
You have not once, but many times tormented me, and taken advantage of me.
I hope he was worth it. I know now u can find her and she will be the luckiest person ever. No one in this world will ever look at you the way i do, or feel this way.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh"
All of Me - John Legend
You are perfect. It is unfortunate people do not agree, nor do you. I can go on for hours on your beauty. "I wish you were ugly," I remember telling you this, and I still stand by it. Your physical beauty is your biggest curse.
Society has transformed your brilliant mind into a zombie. A zombie, who forgot who she is. Pain has always been the biggest motivation for human beings. It can drive a person into one of two paths.
First we have the emo, masochist and anti social person. This person simply gives up on everything due to so much pain and anguish. Thinking about life only ends up to pain in their mind. traumatized by unfortunate events in life, leaving them a crippled mess. Trying so very hard to just, feel. Feelings are something of the past. Joy has no flavor, felicity does not exist. The thought of happiness disgusts, and torments.
Finally we have the opposite, the person who keeps trying to change, to fit in, and do anything to feel as if they do not have to run away from the pain. The facade is nothing but merely a drug to deal with pain. You can lie yourself to a point, where you believe it all. This is how pathological liars are made. The number of people like this is increasing day by day.
Does that mean most of the people in the world are now turning into zombies, pathological liars and drug addicts?
I just wish, there was a way I could get you out. All I want, is for you to be here with me, and see the light.
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest"
Leave Out All The rest - Linkin Park
I have been in and seen many relationships, but one thing I can not fathom to this day is, people who you care about, who do not feel the same way. Not necessarily see you as the apple of their eye, like you do. But simply as a person they need.
Now, we can all be "liberal" and say, "it's their life, their decision," "not everything you want will come true." Knowing what you like and want is not a bad thing.
If you stopped talking and simply walked away from this person, will it change their life? Will they chase you? Or have you influenced, taught, empowered and given them the resources to become self sufficient to the point, where they take you and your teachings for granted and move on. You never existed. Not even a memory. All your hard work, time, energy and love you had put in, gone. Zero meaning, zero result, no credit. No one will ever know.
The road to felicity is a long and hard one. To find it for certain, you might want to walk away from your life and find what truly is there for you.
When Bruce Wayne went away from Gotham, he had found himself and realized what really mattered. People who think of you or care about you, when you are not in front of them. Remember, as humans with compassion and emotions, we are designed to care about anything we may find negative or feel bad for in front of us. Those people you know who are always talking about some less fortunate person in Africa, they are simply watching the news or reading too much into it. What if they did not, would they still feel bad?
Discovering if you are just another number in someone's life or the real deal is what life's true journey is. Finding our self is a by product. We all have dreams, and skills we possess. It is the variables in life we need to figure out, not the constants.
Numbers are constants, we all know 1 = 1 and 2 = 2. But what is x? y? z? a? b? c?
Monday, February 03, 2014
I see destruction and demise (that's right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin' enterprise
Now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russel, though not his muscles but the percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y'all can see me now 'cause you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner
So I'mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head"
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
The biggest fear humans have is, not being accepted for who we are. The difference between people is that, some can turn this into a motivation tool to change their life, some fear it and fake their life, and some who are so goal orientated they will do anything to achieve it.
First look at the person who uses fear as a motivation to change. At a young age if you are conditioned by your surroundings to act or behave a specific way, you will follow through with it in your journey into adulthood. This person will always "learn from others mistakes" to make it through. In many countries we are taught in elementary school about other countries and people, and how our "bubble" is not the whole universe. Subtlety we try to trigger kids to achieve, and not end up like the less fortunate. Not becoming another number is important, but if everyone does it, how are you different?
Next, let's take a look at the people who fake it. Imagine being so scared of something, it torments your whole world. Every waking and even sleeping moment, you are living in constant fear. This can be due to any trauma caused as kid, pain witnessed growing up or just deep seeded issues, suppressed and buried inside. Running from pain becomes life, and life becomes tiring and fruitless, just a dull routine, over and over again.
Finally, we have the goal seekers. These individuals set goals, and do not stop till it is achieved. This usually includes and is not limited to breaking rules, morals, ethics, hearts, feelings, cheating, and worst of all, drives them to insanity. Every time a goal is achieved, the void of no felicity in the endeavor leaves them broken. The only way out of it, is to peruse something else, and get obsessed over that, hoping it will fill that void.
In all three personalities, fear controls us. It is what motivates us, it takes us on the same path, which is change, and finally it creates a mirage of who you once were or could have been.
Perception and presentation is what is different. All that we are, were or will be is how we are seen in the eyes of our fellow humans.
Saturday, February 01, 2014
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
What if that one person who makes your day does not feel the same way?"
I'm Just a Kid - Simple Plan
That's just a horrible idea. Ever think of it?