Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Algebra?

"When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
"
Leave Out All The rest - Linkin Park
 
I have been in and seen many relationships, but one thing I can not fathom to this day is, people who you care about, who do not feel the same way. Not necessarily see you as the apple of their eye, like you do. But simply as a person they need.

Now, we can all be "liberal" and say, "it's their life, their decision," "not everything you want will come true." Knowing what you like and want is not a bad thing.

If you stopped talking and simply walked away from this person, will it change their life? Will they chase you? Or have you influenced, taught, empowered and given them the resources to become self sufficient to the point, where they take you and your teachings for granted and move on. You never existed. Not even a memory. All your hard work, time, energy and love you had put in, gone. Zero meaning, zero result, no credit. No one will ever know.

The road to felicity is a long and hard one. To find it for certain, you might want to walk away from your life and find what truly is there for you.

When Bruce Wayne went away from Gotham, he had found himself and realized what really mattered. People who think of you or care about you, when you are not in front of them. Remember, as humans with compassion and emotions, we are designed to care about anything we may find negative or feel bad for in front of us. Those people you know who are always talking about some less fortunate person in Africa, they are simply watching the news or reading too much into it. What if they did not, would they still feel bad?

Discovering if you are just another number in someone's life or the real deal is what life's true journey is. Finding our self is a by product. We all have dreams, and skills we possess. It is the variables in life we need to figure out, not the constants.

Numbers are constants, we all know 1 = 1 and 2 = 2. But what is x? y? z? a? b? c?

Monday, February 03, 2014

Blue Green or Green Blue?

"You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that's right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin' enterprise
Now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russel, though not his muscles but the percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y'all can see me now 'cause you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner
So I'mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head
"
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz

The biggest fear humans have is, not being accepted for who we are. The difference between people is that, some can turn this into a motivation tool to change their life, some fear it and fake their life, and some who are so goal orientated they will do anything to achieve it.

First look at the person who uses fear as a motivation to change. At a young age if you are conditioned by your surroundings to act or behave a specific way, you will follow through with it in your journey into adulthood. This person will always "learn from others mistakes" to make it through. In many countries we are taught in elementary school about other countries and people, and how our "bubble" is not the whole universe. Subtlety we try to trigger kids to achieve, and not end up like the less fortunate. Not becoming another number is important, but if everyone does it, how are you different?

Next, let's take a look at the people who fake it. Imagine being so scared of something, it torments your whole world. Every waking and even sleeping moment, you are living in constant fear. This can be due to any trauma caused as kid, pain witnessed growing up or just deep seeded issues, suppressed and buried inside. Running from pain becomes life, and life becomes tiring and fruitless, just a dull routine, over and over again.

Finally, we have the goal seekers. These individuals set goals, and do not stop till it is achieved. This usually includes and is not limited to breaking rules, morals, ethics, hearts, feelings, cheating, and worst of all, drives them to insanity. Every time a goal is achieved, the void of no felicity in the endeavor leaves them broken. The only way out of it, is to peruse something else, and get obsessed over that, hoping it will fill that void.

In all three personalities, fear controls us. It is what motivates us, it takes us on the same path, which is change, and finally it creates a mirage of who you once were or could have been.

Perception and presentation is what is different. All that we are, were or will be is how we are seen in the eyes of our fellow humans.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Think I Saw a UFO

"I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
What if that one person who makes your day does not feel the same way?
"
I'm Just a Kid - Simple Plan

Look at the person who you look to see everyday after a long day, or speak to after great things happen. Do they feel or do the same? Always?

That's just a horrible idea. Ever think of it? 

We all have hobbies, activities, objects or people that make us want to do better and make something of ourselves and above all give meaning to our existence.

Are you this petty? Are you not worth anything without them? You are not another card in their lives. You are awesome in your own way. They should be honored to have you in their life, not cheating or ruining their life.

You just need to find your awesomeness and harness your powers.

So do not let your happiness depend on a variable. Humans are variables. They come and go always. We all do die.

Death is not the issue, that is worst part of it all. I have said it many times before, "I have rather you die, than watch you replace me and call me a mistake."

Over the course of the last few years I have come to realize, "family is paramount." The saying is not to find your dream guy or girl but your parents and children.

As a person who had never felt that, I can safely tell you. Relationships and marriages end. Loved ones move on and leave. Your parents and children do not.

We can ignore humans and focus on the constants. Build a new you, that you love, but you always have those moments you want to feel human. Feel loved or appreciated. We are what we leave behind, or legacy and what people remember.

So why this catch 22? Life is a paradox, simple enough? It's all about perspective. Let's be half full and not be half empty. You need to be the glue not the dust.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Future Has Come

"Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
"
-The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

We only get so many firsts in life, what if we wasted it all with the wrong people? Take a moment and look back at your life, all the firsts you had, what would you do to change it to the right person?

Just like we are using all of Earth's fossil fuels, such as gas and oil, we are wasting our "firsts". You will never get that first kiss, first relationship, the first time you had sex back. Society has conditioned us to be outcasts if some milestones have been achieved at specific moments in your life. This kind of peer pressure affects millions of people around the world, and must end. Purity and innocence is almost extinct.

I have come to terms with it, or at least stage 1. It's harsh, for me at least. I have always wanted to believe in that world we heard of as kids, but it seems it does not, actually can not exist.

Do not live in fear! I will repeat, DO NOT LIVE IN FEAR! You can only move forward! If you are not moving forward, you are standing still. Humans HATE waiting. So why are you!

"Humans have two major fears, feeling incompetent. That is we are not good enough. Second, feeling that if we do not achieve these goals, we will not be accepted or loved."
- Jordan Belfort

Jordan Belfort used an amazing analogy in one of his seminars. He said, since we were babies, we have been conditioned to seek attention and feel loved, and once it faded away, aka, we were not the cutest thing ever, we tried other approaches. Some babies break things, others lash out, poop and pee for no reason in places we shouldn't, achieve the "never done before", such as walking. Bottom line is, we either achieve, throw a tantrum,  harm ourselves and others around us just to feel important to our loved ones. The decision is yours, what will you do to stand out? Be angry, the problem or excel in life and make everyone proud.

Life is not about these milestones, or about other people. It is simply about you, yourself and what makes you happy.

"Every decision you make is who you are! At the time you made the decision, it was the best decision according to your judgement. Do not regret it, feel guilty or dwell on the past."
- Farhad Ahmed

We all hurt, and we all have problems. Think of the pain as a push to move forward, and the problems are challenges in a game, you have to beat!

"The world is your oyster"
(Why, then, the world's mine oyster, Which I with sword will open) [The original]
- William Shakespeare

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Why I am Trying?

"He doesn't need his name up in lights
He just wants to be heard whether it's the beat or the mic
And he feels so unlike everybody else-alone
In spite of the fact that some people still think that they know him"

-Remember the Name - Fort Minor

This post is a bit more personal, than most. I usually like to bring up topics I think of, just to see if others have that one little bit of doubt, that might lead to a discussion of the unsaid or not thought of. I will say, I have learned some things over the years, and some theories may have been proven wrong recently, but what is it but just a learning curve. Trial and error is how everything is discovered, manufactured and evolved.

I have been told I write quite vague and some readers think I am writing about them, or something they feel close to. That is my whole point. Do not over think it. I write in a way where you can feel like you are the person in the situation. I write for you, not for myself. My work is for you, the readers to have a chance to think about the unspoken.

"The upward spiral is filled with loneliness, not because you are a bad person, but because you can build yourself. The ability to endure failure and pain alone, is a gift you are given, not a curse."
- Farhad Ahmed

Being alone means more time and more opportunity for you to close all deals in life. More time to grow, and excel what goals you had set.

Only you can make the decision to move forward. If your goals are not clear to you, your life will not be anything but a waste of time.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Wait so what was it?

"I'll never take part in the growing population
Or waste my time with further education
Forget what we know, it's just a big show
What they want to control
So jaded frustrated, it's all so complicated
Fashion no passion surrounds me"
- Thanks for Nothing - Sum 41


According to many rational, logical and practical people, many theories have been a certain way, which I can not accept nor agree to. It has come to my attention, I have a complex which does not allow me to crossover to greatness due to the simple fact I do not want to be better than others. Knowing me, it seems the complex is very off. Nonetheless facts have been presented and I can not fight it.

What am I speaking of? Let's review together.

There is a fine line between greatness and madness. People tend to go for greatness, but fail and go into madness, making all their efforts in vain. I have done this in every part of my life, but rather than failing, I do it subconsciously. Why would a man do this to himself? Well, let's take a deeper look into the complex I have.

Jonah complex. The fear of success. Named after Jonah, a prophet in the Old Testament (Yunus in the Quran). He was given the task by God, to change the whole world at that time, instead he flaked and fled.

The major part of this complex is not wanting to be the one who is better than others because of fear of seeming arrogant and self centered, and above all fear of not being accepted by others for being great.

There is a very thin line between brilliance and insanity. To be brilliant people need to understand you. If they can not fathom your ideas,  you are insane. This is another issue I have.

This complex has a major side effect. After you do something for a while it is considered the norm. You will not be looked at as a winner, just a failure. I know I am not, so its time to change.

I do not think anyone will ever understand, how this kind of social enigmatic complex affects the individual or others around them. It can cause stress, intimacy issues, lack of flow, and in my case Diogenes Syndrome.

Holding on to the past is a big part of Diogenes Syndrome. I do this not cause I am pathetic,  but because I believe everything we do is special and for a reason.  This does how ever lead to a lot of stress and not to mention torment.  Never forgetting something is not healthy.

"Treat people the way you want to be treated." That saying has hurt me too much for too long. It's time for me to let go of it. No one cares or remembers what I have done, I am not even a figment of their past, or some enigma they will think about, wondering why I did it. Washed away like ice caps, with no remains.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Just not for you

"Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
Ready? Let's roll
Onto something new"
- Somebody - The Killers

Hey you, yes you, I am writing this to let you know, you are dating the wrong person. I am not asking to date me, but I want you to know, that this guy, does not care about you, or your amazing mind, personality or characteristics, all he sees is a hot piece of ass. If you can find me where he last pointed out something amazing about you, spoke to you at an intellectual level, or even took you somewhere that interested you, I will not say anymore.

All I wanted was a shot, but you shut me down, because you have been conditioned to be this shallow, dull, brain dead bimbo. I get you are hot, trust me, that is a huge bonus for a guy like me. I would like you without that body, but I doubt your amazing man would not. You still afraid to go to sleep without make up? Waterproof make up for the days you go to the beach or pool parties?

I showed you how you could be amazing without trying hard. I would love to sit here and be the man who is always here, but you and your bi polar complex is killing me. It is unfortunate, you will never realize what I am trying to say. I know you probably will not read this, and if you do, you will not realize it is for you. But, but, but, if you give me one shot I want to show you what I mean.

I can be old fashioned, an ass, but I am there without a moments hesitation when you need me. I would love to hear, where he is. Yeah, society says, I may be in the friend zone, but that is a big joke, if you are half as smart as I think you are, then that should not be the case.

I am not mad, just angry. You will never know the truth, and move on with your life, and be happy, while these thoughts will haunt me forever. I will not tell you, because with everyday that passes, even though my feelings grow, so does my doubt.

Saying it just to say it

"I'm forever there
I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel, sad but true"

-Sad But True - Metallica

"Treat people the way you want to be treated." A timeless saying, we have heard multiple times growing up and in life. I have come into contact with many people who are upset with what they call the "Disney lie". Basically what that is a reality generations have wanted to believe in, but never quite live up to. "Honesty is the best policy," "what goes around, comes around," "the sun shines bright after the dark night," and many more.

I have for years been bouncing back and forth with either to agree with them, or let my optimistic personality come out. Alas I have come to a verdict. It's just not worth it. We can argue as much as we want, but the fact is, life is a numbers game. Everything is based on chance, possibility, probability, nothing is certain. Formulas, theories, thesis, they are all used to find something close enough to what our desired destination is.

Think about this, the last time you used a road map, or GPS to get to a destination. You use it till you recognize an area near by, the same street, or something then you turn it off, and follow your gut. You can call it, knowledge, experience or whatever, but the fact remains, you stop using it's guidance.

I have not been writing a lot, and people who follow me or check my blog, know this, and I wanted to apologize and let you know why. I am sick of it all. I write, you read, and that is it. I really wanted to make a difference with someone's life, but I guess I failed at that. It's not complicated, people and life just get to me. I have lived life to an extent I feel blessed for, but that is my downfall. I cherish everything, so nothing is special. I respect everyone, help everything and always walk with goodness in my heart. On the out side I look terrible.

I have never had to try too hard for things I wanted in life, I am very focused on my goals, and always either achieve them, or I take back a lesson, or great experience. I can not do that any more. I am at the point, I need something I deserve. I have worked my butt off for years, helping and building myself, and yet I see people who deceive and hurt others walk away with the prize. I am not going to sit here wait for death or something. I want it now.

I have been loyal, nice, decent, honest, hard working, and have received nothing. If you know me personally, you also know, I have spoken highly of many things, yes I do that. My optimism, makes me speak of things around me like they are amazing. The fact is, everything was a joke. I am not greedy, and I am happy with the little things in life.

Once I was little I was asked what I wanted to be, and my answer to this day is the same, "I want to be the best father and husband ever." I never did, or do care if I have to work 30, 40, 60, 80 hours a week, but as long as I can come back to a warm home with my family, knowing that I have done everything to provide for them, my life is complete.

The past few months has been horrible for me, I really want to say, X or Y has been here so I have not been freaking out, but that would be a lie. I can see my life slipping away, I tried screaming but nothing happened.

I know I will get through this. Oh, there it goes my optimism, for once I really wish I could sit and scream and cry, and rage, like others. I know I have always been that guy who sits, listens and lets people do that. Where is my one person who will let me do that?

Monday, September 23, 2013

The W

"Lately I've been, I've been losing sleep,
Dreaming about the things we could be,
But baby, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars, 
We will be counting stars,"
- Counting Stars - One Republic

Who. What. When. Why. Words. They mean nothing. A thought, an idea, a dream, a vision. They mean nothing. Actions, gestures, achievements, milestones They mean nothing.

So the real question is, what has value?

As humans, we are taught to protect ourselves, even from ourselves. How do we achieve this? By building barriers, making up lies, pushing away anything we do not like, all just to protect ourselves.

You ever look at the decisions you have made? Just think for a second, what would have happened if you did something different. It is said, every time we make a decision, you are creating another parallel universe. In theory, everything you want is real, on some other universe. Everything which causes you distress and pain, does not exist somewhere.

It does not make sense to me really. We have the power to change everyone's life, and people can change your life. It depends on how you deal with it. If you are a person who creates opportunities for yourself, you will have what you want, or something close. If not, you are screwed.

Being a "people pleaser" will not get you anywhere in life. You can spill your heart, and the little bit of doubt we all have, due to the fact "everyone lies", will make everything you say or do null. Your motives, reasons, route, inception, implementation all mean NOTHING!

You do not mean anything.

You can live with a positive attitude, your whole life, but what happens, when it gets old, and nothing changes. "Repeating the same thing and expecting different results, is the mark or a retard"

I do not know you, but I do know, if you read what I have to say, it is cause you know what it might feel life. You do not have to admit it to anyone, but the feelings are real. Accept it, and learn to deal with it.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Either we realize or we demolish

"Hiding from the hell that you've been through
Silent one, you...
Go, giving up your home
Go, leaving all you've known
You go, giving up your home
Go, leaving all you've known
You are not alone
"
- Not Alone - Linkin Park

There is a race we all participate in, it may not be evident or clear to you, but in some way or in some form you do take part, elitism. To excel in certain, if not all fields you are involved in, now that's society's dream. The pressure we feel in today's world is just ridiculous I must say, if we are taught to be ourselves, then some of us, I bet don't want to push ourselves to the limit where society wants us to be at. Some of us are just happy being mediocre. Without mediocrity, the one that excel are average. It is so important for people to realize without the bottom feeders, the top dogs are nothing but the average Joe.

Our goals are different, for some it's the thrill, some love the participation, many enjoy the time spent with close ones, others have tasted the blood, and will not stop. The moment we let society dictate what a victory is, was when we all lost it.

It hurts when you are told you can not achieve something, it hurts more when you are treated differently for not sharing the same views as others. Being an outcast is never a delightful thing, but why do we force people to make choices which are against their views.

A man I know once said, "if you are asked by anyone about your religious views, you are a Catholic and if asked about religion, you are a die hard Republican."

I suppose that's where we are now.